Reprise Q&A: Should I Call My Ex-boyfriend?


This is a Q&A from the 2011 archives. It’s one of my favorites because it was one of the first times the “Vision of Decision” guided visualization was put here on the blog. I’m in the process of editing and expanding it…along with some other meditaitons aand essays for an upcoming e-book “Moonlight and Silver” stay tuned for progress reports about that project!

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Q. I ran into my ex-boyfriend R***.  He said he would call me because he wants to be friends again, but isn’t interested in dating. I still care about him, so it would be nice, but I know that just being friends would never be enough for me and I could get hurt again. Should I call him and stay in contact, or should I just end things now?

A. Good question. You are definitely on the right track in the way you are thinking. You can’t control what he’ll do or how he will feel or react…all you can do is decide whether to call him or not, whether this is right for you or not.

Many times, asking the right question will solve a problem with or without tarot cards. Right now a key question is who is calling who…

If he calls you, like you said in the first part of your question, then you don’t have to decide anything now. You can wait for that call, and when it happens, you can use that conversation to make the decision about “being friends.”  Listen to his voice, listen to what you both say, but most important of all, listen to your heart and your feelings as the call goes on. You’ll know if this is viable as a friendship, if you want something more, or if the whole thing is a mistake waiting to happen. Listen to what you feel deep down “in your bones” during and after the phone call.  You might even know that now, no call necessary.

If he doesn’t call you, that is a very clear answer too. All you have to do is decide how long you are willing to wait for the call to come – or not. You decide how you are going to live in the meantime and how much energy you are going to pour into this. My hunch is not to put much unless he follows through on his word really soon. Actions speak louder than words, and right now the action lies with the two of you having ended, not with the action of an actual phone call. Right now, calling you is words, potentially empty ones.

The most important question is why…why would you call him? Why would you be the one to pursue this? You already know that being just friends isn’t acceptable to you. You already know that a romantic relationship isn’t acceptable to him (or you wouldn’t have broken up in the first place). If he doesn’t want romance and you don’t want just friends, what is left?

Another question: Is calling him a healing thing or false hope? Has anything really changed since the breakup? If you put your energy into calling him, doesn’t that take you backwards from where you are now? Does spending time and energy on this keep you from meeting someone new who IS interested in the kind of romance you want?

Tarot cards are just a tool to help us reach our intuition and inner wisdom. For you, I think “creative visualization” meditation would be a better tool for this job…would you like to give that a try? I call this one the “Vision of Decision”. It is kind of a work in progress, but this will give you the basic idea.

To do this, just make some time where you can be alone without being interrupted. You can set a mood with music, candles, incense…whatever feels right and special and powerful to you. Sit comfortably. It can be in a chair, or on the floor. Be comfortable enough to sit for a little bit, but not lying down or so comfortable that you fall asleep!

Once you are set, take a few deep breaths. Work your way up from your feet, and just think about each body part…just a little check to make sure you are letting each part relax. Then take another deep breath.

Imagine him calling you. Imagine what the conversation would probably be like…NOT what you HOPE or WISH it would be like, imagine what you expect it would REALLY be based on what you know about R*** and the times you’ve talked before. Imagine how you think your relationship would be after that call. Imagine that relationship and how you think it would go over time. Imagine how you think it would end up this time. Just follow your imagination to where ever the story ends, naturally. Don’t force it one way or another…just follow the thoughts.

When that seems to wrap up, take another deep breath and check in with all of your body parts. Is there any muscle tension? If so relax it, just take note of the stress…is your body trying to tell you something?

After another deep breath, imagine what it would be like for you to call him. Then do the same thing…imagine how the call would go if you started it. Imagine how things would be between the two of you after that, and follow that imaginary path to its conclusion.

Then repeat your inventory. Any stress or tension now? Once a gain relax, take a deep breath.

Now imagine how things would be if you stopped right now…imagine if the two of you never spoke again. What would your life be like then? How do you feel about that option? Is it a tragedy all it’s own, or is it the beginning of healing? Is it a loss, or an opportunity?  Follow that train of thought to its natural end.

Now, very gently, very slowly start to move around again. Let your logical mind kick in a little bit. Of those three paths, which was the most loving, most compassionate one for the two of you? What felt best to you? Which do you think is most logically likely to happen?

Tarot cards, runes, tea leaves, “psychic” cold readings, meditation…all of them are just different roads to the same place. Anything “psychic” (from a greek root meaning breath, soul  or mind) is just a way to find the inner wisdom you already have, and the find the deep-down answers you already know.

Best wishes to you!

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All readings for entertainment only. Q&A questions are either fictitious or used with the sitter’s express permission